Misc Blonde and other jokes
Mixed Blonde and general Jokes
Current mood: amused
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
**********
A very attractive blonde lady boards a plane bound for America and immediately sits down in the business class area. The stewardess walks up to her and asks he if she can check her ticket. The blonde shows her the ticket, which is clearly marked economy class. The stewardess informs the lady that she must move to which the blonde replies " I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere" The stewardess informs the senior steward of the situation who then goes to speak to the blonde yet still the blonde replies "I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere". The steward does not know what to do so goes to inform the captain, the co-pilot listening to the situation says "let me deal with it sir my girlfriend is blonde" so off he goes. Everyone watches as the co pilot walks up to the lady and whispers something inner ear, she then gets up and walks to the back of the plane and takes her seat in economy class. The captain amazed at how easily the co pilot has resolved the situation asks the co pilot what he said. The co pilot replies, " It was quite easy really I just told her the front half of the plane doesn't go to America..."
**********
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
*********
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."
**********
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the woman.
A blonde calls her boyfriend asking for help with a jigsaw puzzle, the boyfriend asks her what its supposed to be.
The girlfriend replies that according to the box it's supposed to be a tiger.
The boyfriend goes over to help.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, lets have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosties back into the box".
**********
A blonde enters a women's' swimming contest, and is told that they would using the breaststroke for the first round.
The blonde comes in dead last and complains to the judge: "That wasn't fair! They were all using their arms!"
**********
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
*********
Biff gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks Biff.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Biff.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over."
Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."
**********
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
Take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
Hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
Straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
Time take the club out of your mouth."
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
**********
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
**********
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
**********
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
**********
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
**********
Q: Why don't blonds play Frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
**********
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
**********
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
**********
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
**********
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
**********
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
**********
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
Kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
Could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
Top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
**********
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
**********
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
**********
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:" He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
**********
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Current mood: amused
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
**********
A very attractive blonde lady boards a plane bound for America and immediately sits down in the business class area. The stewardess walks up to her and asks he if she can check her ticket. The blonde shows her the ticket, which is clearly marked economy class. The stewardess informs the lady that she must move to which the blonde replies " I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere" The stewardess informs the senior steward of the situation who then goes to speak to the blonde yet still the blonde replies "I am blonde and beautiful so I can sit anywhere". The steward does not know what to do so goes to inform the captain, the co-pilot listening to the situation says "let me deal with it sir my girlfriend is blonde" so off he goes. Everyone watches as the co pilot walks up to the lady and whispers something inner ear, she then gets up and walks to the back of the plane and takes her seat in economy class. The captain amazed at how easily the co pilot has resolved the situation asks the co pilot what he said. The co pilot replies, " It was quite easy really I just told her the front half of the plane doesn't go to America..."
**********
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home.
*********
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, are a South African, an Australian (both blokes), a young blonde lady, and a little old lady.
The train goes into a tunnel & a few seconds later there's the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Australian has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old lady thinks: "That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek."
The blonde thinks: "That Australian must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek"
The Australian thinks: "That South African must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."
The South African thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap that bloody Aussie again."
**********
The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary burst into his office and demands to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man who works in the same department. 'What on earth did he do?' asks the boss. 'It's not what he did, it's what he said!' the secretary shrieks. 'He said that my hair smelt nice!' 'And what's so wrong with him telling you that?' asks the boss. 'He's a midget' huffs the woman.
A blonde calls her boyfriend asking for help with a jigsaw puzzle, the boyfriend asks her what its supposed to be.
The girlfriend replies that according to the box it's supposed to be a tiger.
The boyfriend goes over to help.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, were not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, lets have a cup of coffee and put all these Frosties back into the box".
**********
A blonde enters a women's' swimming contest, and is told that they would using the breaststroke for the first round.
The blonde comes in dead last and complains to the judge: "That wasn't fair! They were all using their arms!"
**********
A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.
A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.
*********
Biff gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy. "I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks Biff.
"Well, I've bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Biff.
"It's of a big Rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says Biff, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him saying, "Thanks for coming over."
Buffy leads Biff into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Biff looks at the jigsaw and then turns to Buffy and says, "For Pete's sake - put the Cornflakes back in the Box."
**********
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
Take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
Hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
Straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
Time take the club out of your mouth."
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
**********
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A: You pick it up pull the pin & throw it back.
**********
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
**********
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
**********
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
**********
Q: Why don't blonds play Frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
**********
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
**********
Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.
**********
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
**********
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
**********
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down. "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle."
**********
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
Kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,
6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
Could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
She yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
Other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
Top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."
**********
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
**********
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
**********
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:" He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The women shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
**********
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over bill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
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