Bunch of one-liners

A brain went into a pub and said, "Can I have a pint of lager please?" "No way" says the barman "you are already out of your head".

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What's the difference between a man and a dog? A man wears a suit, a dog just pants.

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Did you hear about the prawn that went to a nightclub - he pulled a mussel.

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A man walks into a surgery "doctor" he cries "I think I'm shrinking" "I'm sorry, sir there are no appointments at the moment" says the physician "you will just have to be a little patient"

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Thieves made off with a toilet from police station, police say they have nothing to go on

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What do you get when you sing a country and western song backwards? Your wife back, your house back and your dog back.

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Why did the orange stop? Cause it ran out of juice.

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Which country is the worst at Karaoke? Singapore

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Baby polar bear asks his mum "am I a real polar bear?" "Yes son you are, why?" "Because I'm bloody freezing"

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What happened to the shortsighted circumciser?
He got the sack.

Where does Sadaam Hussein keep his cds? In a rack.

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What did the mummy cow say to the baby calf before it was live exported? Veal meet again.

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I used to work with a bald headed geezer who had tattoos of Rabbits all over his head. From a distance they look like hares.

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My mate has just opened a delicatessen in Jerusalem. He's called it Cheeses of Nazareth.

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My husband joined the local mechanics course. They sent him home because he wasn't in the right gear.

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What's ET short for?
Coz he's only got little legs....boom boom

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Which mobile network do Jedi's use? Yodafone.

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Where does a King keep his armies? Up his sleevies.

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When is sheep ink? When it's in a pen.

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Where would you find a duck with no legs? Where you left it.

What do you call a sheep that doesn't like Christmas? Baaaa Humbug!

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Two cannibals were at a circus eating a clown. The one turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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How do you call all the squirrels in the world?...."Calling all squirrels, calling all squirrels"

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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of cling-film underpants. As he sits down, the psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see you're nuts".

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What do Arsenal and a three-pin plug have in common? They are both useless in Europe.

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A plumber divorcing his wife turns round and said it's all over flo.

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What do people in Yorkshire call ebay? Ebaygum

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During my driving lesson, I asked my instructor, 'Do I go left, right or straight across the roundabout?' He replied, 'No, you go around it.'

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A Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

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What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common? They both have the same middle name.

There are three types of people in this world - those who can count and those who can't.

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What do you call someone who used to like tractors? An ex-tractor fan.

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Man walks in to a bar
Ouch!

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Why don't cats like shaving? Because 9 out of 10 prefer Whiskas.

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I went out last night and drank eleven pints of yoghurt, when I woke up this morning I was mullered.

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What do you call a Chinese girl with a food mixer on her head? Blenda.

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Did you hear about the 2 silk worms that had a race? It all ended in a tie.

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Did you know, Benylin Cough medicine was invented by a Russian doctor? His named was Ivor Chestikov.

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What kind of key do you need to get into the jungle? A monKEY.

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What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarines.

Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?...because of his coffin.

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I spilt spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.

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Why do elephants have four feet? They would look daft with just 6 inches.

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A man walks in to a doctor's surgery, and tells the doctor that every time he lifts his arm it hurts like hell and asks the doctor what to do. The doctor tells him not to lift his arm.

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What do you call a woman with 5 classes of beer balanced on her head?
"Beertricks"

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A man walks into a pub with a lump of tarmac under his arm. 'A pint please, landlord' he says. 'And one for the road'.

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What's black and white and eats like a horse? A Zebra

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What did the sea say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.

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What do you call a pop star that has regular bowel movements? Damon All- Bran

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Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

Have you heard Poundstretcher and Marks and Spencer's are merging? They're now called Stretch Marks.

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A bloke goes home to his wife and says, 'I've won the lottery, pack your bags.' She replies, 'What for, winter or summer?' 'Anything you like,' he says, 'now sod off.'

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My last holiday was terrible, I flew with BA. He just kept shouting "You crazy Fool, I aint getting on no plane!"

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My friend swallowed an extractor fan, he's OK now but it took it out of him.

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I broke my neck once, but to be fair I haven't looked back since

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What's green and smells like yellow paint? – Green Paint!

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Knock knock?
(Who's there?)
Romeo
(Romeo who?)
Romeover to the other side of the lake and I'll tell you!

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How many Pokemon does it take to change a light bulb?
157 but you've got to catch them all!

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Two cows in a field. One says to the other "I hear they're doing artificial insemination on us cows"
"Really?"
"Yep, straight up - no bull!"

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What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?
Answer: A Carrot

Where is the best place to hide a leaf?
Answer: A Tree

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Why did the Mushroom go to the party?
Answer: Because he's a fun-guy

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What do you call a girl with tiles on her head?
Ruth.

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What green and runs around your garden?
A hedge

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Two overweight regulars are sitting in the pub.
'Your round' said one, to which the other replied,
'You can talk you fat cu*t!'

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Stevie Wonder was having an interview and the interviewer asked about what it was like to be blind. He answered:
"it's not that bad, I mean, it could be worse, I could be black!"

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Why have you called your pet newt tiny?
Because he's my newt.

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What do you call an Australian who makes wooden toilets?
Lou Carpenter!

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How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

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What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

Tags: joke, jokes, comedy, humor, fun